Don’t Drink and Text

Generally, I think I am what you would deem A Good Drunk. I request Green day songs. I steal For Sale signs outside houses and put them on other houses. I drive either too slow or too fast. I joke. I generally do all the things that would make people say “oh him? Five more beers please! Yeah, he’s a right laugh”. But I have one huge, horrible quality that tips me from A Good Drunk into A Bad Drunk. And that’s because I am a Drunk texter.

I like to text everyone when I’m drunk. No one is safe. Ex girlfriends, friends, colleagues, immediate family, old bosses, former driving instructors. I am well versed and rehearsed in it. The first night I ever drank I reached for my phone to text a girl and forever a precedent was set for how most Saturday nights would end. girls do this too, by the way. Don’t pretend you don’t, I know you do. Drunk women have long been harassing people they fancy via phone and Facebook just as much as we have. Only last week I was woken up in the middle of the night by a half naked photo of a grinning girl I barely know with the caption “too many vods!! Catch up soon?”


If you’re a drunk texter, chances are you’ve also been on the receiving end of this behaviour and realised what a turn-off it is. So why do we keep doing it? The simple answer is that dropping someone a text or a call in that state seems like the coolest, funniest way of giving them a heads-up that you might fancy them. It seems nonchalant and impulsive. Off-the-cuff and casual. And if you get rebuffed? “Hey, whatever. Don’t look at me like that. It was just the beer. That demon, demon beer. No reflection of how I feel whatsoever. Just ask Boozy Suzy, she’ll tell you. I was mental that night wasn’t I, Booze? Yeah. texted everyone. Not a big deal.”

A couple of months ago I hit what my best friend would probably call ‘rock bottom’. I woke up with no clothes on, my head turned inside out, my car parked like it was parked by a dismayed 5 year old and a new text from a rather serious girl I had been on one date with a few weeks before: “Hi. You OK? Pretty funny text last night.”

Then my mind has gone crazy trying to figure out all the things I did last night. I tried to back read all of my texts on my phone to no avail. Just a little glimpse of memory that I used my bestfriend’s phone to textlast night


“Dude?” I shouted into my friend’s neighbouring house. “Dude please tell me you didn’t let m e text anyone using your phone?”

“Um, yeah, I did,” he croaked. “You were rambling on the phone to someone for ages.”

“Rambling on the phone to someone for ages.” Just read that back a few times and then let me give you a little bit of advice with the power of retrospect. If you get the feeling you’re going to text a person you fancy when you’re drunk and talk a load of old nonsense to them down the phone – save yourself some cash and do not bother going on a date with that person. It’s a waste of time. Don’t bother picking a nice outfit, don’t bother telling your good jokes, don’t bother finding a great bar or restaurant. Drunk texting/calling cancels all that out. All that cool, careful, tentative, flirting needle-work is unpicked with a big, fat, blunt knife the minute you leave someone a voicemail to ramble on about their nice smile. Or to sing a song. Or whatever it was I said on that text message that I will never, ever be able to retrieve.

After that incident, I decided to take action and give up drunk texting. Because it’s been too long, this carry-on. Because I have Labour party membership, a savings account and a dishwasher and quite frankly I’m too old to be ringing women in the middle of the night like a bored, randy teenager at College. 2013 is the year of no drunk calls or texts. And I urge you to do the same. All it ever does is make you a little less attractive and a little more annoying to the poor person at the end of the phone and it’s doing us no good. So here is my guide to what you should and shouldn’t send after you’ve had a drink.

Things not to text after a drink:

Uhhmmmm, hi musta? na reconsider mo na ba yung movie date offer ko?

Pupunta ako sa inyo, dadalhan kita ng BigMac, tsaka cheese burger na rin kay tita.

Heard of Mandy Moore’s Can we still be friends, damn remind me of you.

God, don’t let me text/call you tonight!

It makes me 😦 that we don’t talk anymore.

Shall I come round? Yes or no.

Can’t stop thinking about you.

Hey Luke. Sounds great. Will meet you there at 9

How embarrassing! I sent that to you and I Meant to send it to Luke! Sorry Lucy! Anyway How are you?

Why aren’t you picking up your phone?

Had a dream about you last night 😉

Look, I’m bored of all the games. Do you want to go out with me or not? No bullshit let’s just lay our cards on the table. Life is too short. We’re all on our way out. Why not just say what we feel before it’s too late?

Hey! Bit random but how are you?

Im here at the bar and talking about you to Matt. We think you are such a nice girl and so hot! Bit embrrassing I know but if you cant be honest at christmas when can you!!!

I’m naked at my flat gotprosecco.

Just a text to say fine, don’t text back. I’m done.

I deserve more than this. Take care.

Listening to that counting crows album that reminds me of us!

We can do this, right? DOESN’T HAVE TO BE A BIG DEAL! OK yeah cool come round I’ll pay for your taxi.

Things to text after a drink:

That’s right. Nothing. Just follow these simple rules and you’ll have one less thing to regret when you wake up with a hangover. And when you’re five pints down and your logic is telling you to text or call someone — just remember this is the same logic that in the past has made you be sick in a bin, steal a trolley and order a kebab with raw onions. That logic can have a bit of a re-think in the morning.

drnk txt


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